Diet-free living: stupid scale

November 16th, 2011

I stepped on the scale a week and a half ago (actually on the last morning of my full-time job!) and saw a number I wasn’t happy with. I knew my weight has been slowly creeping up but even knowing that, I still wasn’t happy with the number (it was a lot higher than I thought it would be!). That morning I had a giant stomachache – it was a very unsettling feeling. Of course I was saying good-bye to my co-workers and closing a long chapter of my life that day… so I attributed it to that. I also told myself that a lot of the weight was gained from work stress and general unhappiness with my life (again: attributed to work) so that was the last time I’d see that number. I was finally going to be happier. And weight loss was surely to follow!

1045326-Cartoon-Black-And-White-Outline-Design-Of-A-Chihuahua-On-A-Scale-Poster-Art-Print

I can honestly tell you that I’ve been so at peace with everything for the last few weeks. My dream of becoming a gym rat hasn’t exactly materialized (seriously, I cannot believe how fast my days fly by and I wake up at the same time, if not earlier than I used to!!) but I haven’t been stress eating at all. What is happening is that I don’t notice the time and forget to eat… until I’m starving and I just snack on things while preparing my meal, which I end up not really eating (since I’m already pretty satisfied)… and then I’m hungry again a bit later with the cycle continuing.

Mentally that’s been cool… no drama around eating. We haven’t been eating out so I’m preparing all the meals and trying to keep them healthy and sane Smile I’m of course happy to have days where time flies by instead of watching the clock and hoping for it to end. It’s been wonderful.

Except the scale was up almost 3lbs again!!

I hate this so much! I’m finally happy with my life in general. Sure there are a lot of unanswered questions but I’ve been letting myself just be. Eat whatever I want. Stop when I’m satisfied. Sometimes have an extra cookie brownie and not fret about it. Just being. I thought that’s what balance was but clearly my body disagrees. And now the peace is gone.

I’m so conflicted about what I should do next. I want to:

1. Continue just doing what I’ve been doing and seeing whether that number was a fluke. Just being felt so good.

2. Count calories for a few days/weeks. Perhaps my portions are so out of whack I’m not even realizing what I’m eating/doing?

3. Hide in fear of becoming a whale one day.

4. Restarting a food journal where I document my hunger and fullness levels before and after every thing I eat.

What’s a girl to do?!

PS – If you’re looking for a delicious recipe, check out my latest post on pumpkin pancakes over on Russian Bites.

November 16th, 2011 | Tags: | Category: body talk, diet free living | 39 comments

Diet free living: enough is enough!

August 8th, 2011

I’ve been holding back lately.

I’ve been feeling vulnerable and hurt and not good enough. Defeated over and over by my own actions. I’ve taken responsibility and then I fled. Over and over. I wanted to come out of it stronger, with a lesson and a happy ending (or at least happy progress) to share with you, before saying writing a word. And then I fell down again. Harder. The cycle continued.

I often feel like sharing my struggles here comes off as whining. Or like I’m seeking attention. People are dealing with much bigger issues. Get over yourself, Elina! Despite numerous comments and emails to the contrary, I feel like eyes are being rolled at my soul baring posts… and I want to be liked so I can’t let that happen. And I hold back instead.

You’d think that’s easier but that doesn’t feel right either. Because I feel like a fake. If I don’t tell you about my struggles, then you may assume that this “diet free living” thing is easy. That I’m off singing the “the scale doesn’t define me song” all day long when on many days I still feel like it does. At least it defines my mood. And I hate myself for it. It’s irrational. It’s uncomfortable. And it still does after all this time and I’m doing nothing to stop it!

This last little bit, by the way, is the negative Elina. This last little bit doesn’t serve me. It puts me down. It makes me want to go back to my usual coping ways (read: eating until I cry) so after many weeks of giving in, I’m finally saying ENOUGH.

Enough with the negative talk.

Enough with feeling like a victim.

Enough with doing things against my better judgment.

Enough with self-inflicted pain.

Tonight, I am excited about what tomorrow will bring. I am excited about finally figuring this shit out and truly living a healthy and sane life.

Excited_Lobster.png <—this lobster is excited. Image source

What are you excited about today?

PS – There is definitely a lesson in my experience over the past month and I promise to share it with you soon (just want to come on the other side of it first! I think this was the boost I needed!)

August 8th, 2011 | Tags: , | Category: diet free living | 25 comments

Diet free living: don’t get too comfortable!

July 12th, 2011

*Time for another diet free living update since this topic is a lot more relevant for me today than what I actually planned to write about.*

Since my last diet free living post things have eerily been going smoothly. I think I have the weather gods to thank for it because just the knowledge of warmth and sunshine for a while there made my days in the office better. Adam and I have also been sneaking in nights on the patio as often as we can (sometimes with a bottle of wine – why not?). Honestly there was just no room for the food/body obsession in this life. I felt an almost out-of-body experience where I was watching someone else; someone I couldn’t really recognize because things weren’t perfect but she was just so happy and thankful for the things that were good, the other ones didn’t matter. I was happy. I was glowing. I could really get used to this life!

feetup Image source

They say what comes up must come down but I was hoping physics didn’t apply to diet free living. Why should they? I was so happy not dieting! So in love. And that sun was still shining. And then something (an old demon) came up. And the sun was still shining and I still had the most amazing husband in the world, and I was employed. But I broke down. And I got the food shakes. And I let myself have some (I have learned that food can be comforting and sometimes it’s ok to let food “take care of you” for a little while there because no one/nothing else will fill that void quite the same. You have to be ok, really ok with letting food do that for you though, otherwise you’re opening up an old can of guilt inducing warms.) And then I tried to breathe and calm down but I still wasn’t ok and I bounced around between feeling not ok and going through the motions and numbing that feeling with food.

I snacked the night away last night and I’m not okay with it. I knew what I was doing. I chose it. I’m still not ok with it.

Crying-baby-cartoon Image source

I have a food hangover this morning and I still don’t feel fixed. The same issue, the same sense of helplessness, is still there. I just added a stomachache to the list of thing to worry about.

It’s easy to feel defeated but I’m not letting this black cloud hang over me any longer. I’ve reached out for help (Christie is letting me join her Feelings eCourse last minute – super nice!) and I will work through this stuff. This is nothing I can’t handle and food is not the answer!!

That’s all I have for you today, folks. Just wanted this to be another reminder that there are always ups and downs and we can never get too comfortable. It’s a lifetime of a work in progress and I personally still believe that it is a very worthy journey to take on! Hope you are all doing ok and enjoying your summers!!! Open-mouthed smile

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July 12th, 2011 | Tags: , | Category: 30 by 30, diet free living, food issues | 19 comments

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