Diet free living: don’t get too comfortable!

*Time for another diet free living update since this topic is a lot more relevant for me today than what I actually planned to write about.*

Since my last diet free living post things have eerily been going smoothly. I think I have the weather gods to thank for it because just the knowledge of warmth and sunshine for a while there made my days in the office better. Adam and I have also been sneaking in nights on the patio as often as we can (sometimes with a bottle of wine – why not?). Honestly there was just no room for the food/body obsession in this life. I felt an almost out-of-body experience where I was watching someone else; someone I couldn’t really recognize because things weren’t perfect but she was just so happy and thankful for the things that were good, the other ones didn’t matter. I was happy. I was glowing. I could really get used to this life!

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They say what comes up must come down but I was hoping physics didn’t apply to diet free living. Why should they? I was so happy not dieting! So in love. And that sun was still shining. And then something (an old demon) came up. And the sun was still shining and I still had the most amazing husband in the world, and I was employed. But I broke down. And I got the food shakes. And I let myself have some (I have learned that food can be comforting and sometimes it’s ok to let food “take care of you” for a little while there because no one/nothing else will fill that void quite the same. You have to be ok, really ok with letting food do that for you though, otherwise you’re opening up an old can of guilt inducing warms.) And then I tried to breathe and calm down but I still wasn’t ok and I bounced around between feeling not ok and going through the motions and numbing that feeling with food.

I snacked the night away last night and I’m not okay with it. I knew what I was doing. I chose it. I’m still not ok with it.

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I have a food hangover this morning and I still don’t feel fixed. The same issue, the same sense of helplessness, is still there. I just added a stomachache to the list of thing to worry about.

It’s easy to feel defeated but I’m not letting this black cloud hang over me any longer. I’ve reached out for help (Christie is letting me join her Feelings eCourse last minute – super nice!) and I will work through this stuff. This is nothing I can’t handle and food is not the answer!!

That’s all I have for you today, folks. Just wanted this to be another reminder that there are always ups and downs and we can never get too comfortable. It’s a lifetime of a work in progress and I personally still believe that it is a very worthy journey to take on! Hope you are all doing ok and enjoying your summers!!! Open-mouthed smile

Better luck next year?

I had a nice Christmas celebration this past weekend and then totally fell off the diet band wagon. I’ve literally just lost it. I’ve been moody and tired and um, yeah, I’ve been stuffing my face. I crave nothing – it’s an autopilot thing. I feel bluh so I feed myself chocolate. I haven’t worked out since last Thursday and would actually stay at home, on my couch, until January 1st if someone let me.

Yesterday I decided to just give in to all of this until next year (and so I’ve been acting accordingly). But then I realized that even though I don’t feel like it right now, a workout is what I need. And workout I will. Tomorrow. I have one personal training session at Fitness Together left so it will happen and maybe, just maybe, I’ll snap out of it and it will all be easier again.

How has your eating been this holiday season? Any desire to just forget it, all of it, and start over come Saturday?

You’re going to hear about my weight and I’m not sorry about it

Before I dive in, I just wanted to say that I’m happy you are excited about the sweet giveaway I have going. If you haven’t entered it yet, you may do so here. Now onto the real topic at hand…

I know you’ve seen this going all around the blogworld… and by “this” I mean Rachel‘s “I’m sorry but I’m not sorry” attitude.

I’ve seen this popping up here and there and it seemed very empowering. And while I’m sure this was therapeutic to many, I  didn’t feel like there was a topic I was really “afraid” to talk about here. I truly feel like I have the most understanding readers and I’m very thankful for that.

And then it dawned on me. There IS something I’ve been struggling with. Something I’ve eluded to yet didn’t really want to make a giant issue of. You already know what I’m going to say… my weight. Yes, that. Talking bluntly about weight or the desire to lose some appears to be a very touchy subject in the blogosphere (at least for people that are not obviously overweight – for the record, I technically am). I understand that some food blog readers struggle with eating disorders. I’m really sorry about that. I really hope this blog is not triggering you if you’re one of them. But you see, I can’t continue like this. I need to lose weight. I think documenting it here will help me and keep me more accountable. So I’m going to talk about it. I’m sorry but I’m not sorry.

I haven’t been blogging every day (obviously) so you haven’t seen the extent of how bad things got recently. Somehow over the past few months, I’ve gotten addicted to eating at night. I can’t stop. I’ve gotten addicted to tasting, chewing, I don’t know what else. I feel completely powerless too. It’s like I trained myself like a dog to sit my butt on the couch right after dinner and start munching. No bueno.

I’ve tried everything (or so it seems). I’ve tried writing in my journal, distracting myself with tv, “harassing” Adam to hang out with me but even while doing all those things, I keep going back to the kitchen to grab another bite of something rather. It’s not good. So I’m trying one more thing.

I joined Weight Watchers today. I don’t want to start counting points or go on “another diet.” I just want to be faced with the scale on a weekly basis; I want my weight to be “officially” tracked, and I want to have a group of people I can talk to about the past week (if needed) without feeling like I’m whining. So today was the day.

I weighed myself at home upon waking up. Starting weight: 156.6 lbs. You have no idea how much it hurts me to see this weight. It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve seen this number and I can tell you I’m a completely different person (health-habit-wise) at this point. And yet, here is this number again. I was 140lbs at my wedding 2 years ago and maintained my weight at around 145lbs for a year and a half. It slowly creeped up to the high 140′s and now we’re creeping up into the high 150′s. I weighed in at 159.8lbs at noon at the meeting (after breakfast, with my clothes on).

So here we go. It’s time to face reality and lose that excess. Nearly 160 lbs is the wrong weight FOR ME. I am not implying anything about you, whatever you may weigh. Please be reminded of that. Everyone is different. Please let me be selfish and share my weight loss struggles here with you. And please help me if you can.

Today was a tough day. I thought the “newness” of it all would just magically fix me but tonight was rough. Very rough. I gave in once again. But I’m determined to keep at it. Next week that number on the scale will be lower. I will do my best. The right way.

Thank you.

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