It’s a gray, gross and rainy day today. So I’m feeling reflective and I’d like to share some of these thoughts here on the blog. Ok with you?
I’ve been noticing more than usual my frustration with my body. Every morning starts with “I have nothing to wear!” moving into “Ugh, I can’t believe how fat my arms have gotten” and goes from there. The negative self-talk continued after spending a whole day (Labor day Monday) lounging around, watching tv and eating leftovers from the previous nights’ bbq, which included numerous trips to the freezer for another block of cookie dough. I don’t think a single vegetable was consumed that day… it just required too much work to whip something together.
At some point I looked in the mirror, scanning every body part, making mental notes about what was wrong with each one. I couldn’t recognize the person in front of the mirror. I used to have muscle. I used to have pretty flat abs (although never “flat enough”). And finally I thought…
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??!!!
This is sort of my breaking point, every time, so immediately my mind went to I NEED TO FIX IT! No more cookie dough! I need balanced meals. I will take the time to plan things through and I will stick to my plans. I like cooking. Why do I even need to force myself to do it sometimes? Oh and I am definitely going to the gym every day this week. These growing arms need to be history. STAT.
And then I realized I was running with my thoughts like crazy and that this all-or-nothing behavior and negative self-talk brings me nowhere every time. This is when the binge eating intensifies. This is when I don’t treat myself, don’t trust my body to know what’s best for me. I realized that when I said I was done with dieting, I meant it. It doesn’t work for me. It’s been proven. There is a better way.
It’s sort of ironic that this intense “need” to diet actually brought me back to reality and turned things around for me. I’ve been reminded that only love and trust make me happier, not restriction. For the first time in weeks I was even excited to hit the gym yesterday… and after an amazing sweat session, I was reminded of how cleansed and strong it makes me feel (can’t wait to go again today!!).
What I thought was a fall all the way back to the beginning, was in fact a lesson that showed me that I can pull myself out of all of this. I can change my thoughts, my attitude, my actions… the positive way.
I WILL be an intuitive eater one day. I WILL stop negative self-talk. That’s a promise! 😀
PS – How freaking cute is that puppy?!