Diet free living: enough is enough!

I’ve been holding back lately.

I’ve been feeling vulnerable and hurt and not good enough. Defeated over and over by my own actions. I’ve taken responsibility and then I fled. Over and over. I wanted to come out of it stronger, with a lesson and a happy ending (or at least happy progress) to share with you, before saying writing a word. And then I fell down again. Harder. The cycle continued.

I often feel like sharing my struggles here comes off as whining. Or like I’m seeking attention. People are dealing with much bigger issues. Get over yourself, Elina! Despite numerous comments and emails to the contrary, I feel like eyes are being rolled at my soul baring posts… and I want to be liked so I can’t let that happen. And I hold back instead.

You’d think that’s easier but that doesn’t feel right either. Because I feel like a fake. If I don’t tell you about my struggles, then you may assume that this “diet free living” thing is easy. That I’m off singing the “the scale doesn’t define me song” all day long when on many days I still feel like it does. At least it defines my mood. And I hate myself for it. It’s irrational. It’s uncomfortable. And it still does after all this time and I’m doing nothing to stop it!

This last little bit, by the way, is the negative Elina. This last little bit doesn’t serve me. It puts me down. It makes me want to go back to my usual coping ways (read: eating until I cry) so after many weeks of giving in, I’m finally saying ENOUGH.

Enough with the negative talk.

Enough with feeling like a victim.

Enough with doing things against my better judgment.

Enough with self-inflicted pain.

Tonight, I am excited about what tomorrow will bring. I am excited about finally figuring this shit out and truly living a healthy and sane life.

Excited_Lobster.png <—this lobster is excited. Image source

What are you excited about today?

PS – There is definitely a lesson in my experience over the past month and I promise to share it with you soon (just want to come on the other side of it first! I think this was the boost I needed!)

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25 comments to Diet free living: enough is enough!

  • Hey lady, long time no talk. Wow, your blog has a new look! Well, new to me anyway 😉 Looks great.
    I 100% know what you mean about being aware of the greater problems in the world, but still being really affected by the scale and that journey. Have you read my last post on my old blog? I’m kind of just letting it all go and letting the chips fall where they may. This is not to say I do not want to be healthy or I do not want to look good…I do. But I’m just kind of “over it” in terms of micromanaging my diet. I know you feel the same.
    Hugs to you. Come visit me in Seattle!

  • P.S. I’m trying to re-sunscribe to your blog on a new reader using the RSS, but it’s giving me an error message. Have you had other complaints about this, or is it something on my end?

    • Elina

      OMG – I had no idea… none of my posts were showing up in Google Reader either. So glad you came here to check it out today! It should be all fixed now :)
      PS – We actually have Seattle on the list. Would love to come visit some day. Maybe next year!

  • Holly

    I can feel your frustration and I’m in a similar place. Some days are great and I feel strong and in control and some days, I’m just a mess. Some days I’m accepting of my size 12 body that is healthy and strong, kicks ass in spin class, has birthed a baby and climbed mountains but most days I long for my pre-baby size 8 body.

    I’ve decided to practice acceptance and hope that between my positive thinking and diet free living, somehow my weight and cravings and self loathing will settle somewhere in a grey area and not with either extreme. I think I can… I think I can… I think I can…

    xoxo

  • Your blog should always be a place where you can talk about whatever you want. If people think it is whining, they won’t read it. But the important thing is that it gives you a place to have a voice – whether it is to talk about the highs or the lows. Keep at it girl. We’re all rooting for you during this journey!

  • Elina – I can’t tell you how much your blog inspires me, and how much you inspire me. This body thing is hard! I have struggled with weight and body acceptance for as long as I have been alive, and there is a LOT more to it than simply, eat right, be happy and healthy. I wish I had the answers – but what I can tell you is that your blog is my friend (as opposed to so many others that I can’t stand anymore – with perfect sounding people and perfect sounding diets) – because I can relate to it and it makes me smile and feel less alone about things. Please continue to share, and know that you are actually doing people like me a mitsvah by doing so!

    Thank you for being you, fabulous, open and honest you.

  • Hmmm, is this thing on? Tried to comment a couple of times, but no dice :(

  • Aha! As I was saying, what am I, chopped liver?! 😉 I’m around! I’ve found that an increase in social activity has helped with negative patterns and avoidance of extra time in the kitchen. Also, your blog is fantastic and your honesty is refreshing! I have started a blog (still working on logos and readership, wah wah) and I can only hope it is as good as yours!!!

    http://www.selflovinspoonful.com

  • Aha! As I was saying, what am I, chopped liver?! 😉 I’m around! I’ve found that an increase in social activity has helped with negative patterns and avoidance of extra time in the kitchen. Also, your blog is fantastic and your honesty is refreshing! I have started a blog (still working on logos and readership, wah wah) and I can only hope it is as good as yours!!!

  • In case anyone is interested, I guess you can click on my name and that directs to my blog – The Self Lovin’ Spoonful

  • 4 things..

    1) Love the new look of the blog! So beautiful!

    2) You’re so not alone! We all go through times like these, we all have times where we can’t remember the good thoughts.

    3) I know you said you’ve heard it, but to reiterate – you don’t sound whiney. Honestly is part of the reason people come here – remember that :)

    4) A positive thought trick I use (I did this a while ago when I was struggling with this) – I made cue cards with questions or instructions on them. Things like “Name one thing you like about yourself.” “What is a compliment that a friend has given you.” “What is one thing that you can do now that you couldn’t do a few years ago.” I had about 10 of these cards and would shuffle them around before bed. I would pick 1 or 2 at random and sit and think to write an answer down. The act of writing it down and of looking over my old answer helped to focus on the positive thoughts and things above all the things I was feeling frustrated about.

  • Not gonna lie, I’m excited that today *might* be the grand opening of Worcester’s first soft serve fro-yo shop. I stalk them on FB every day, and have been thinking nonstop about what I’m going to get, even though they haven’t even posted their menu.

    Probably not very helpful but I’m just being honest :)

    You’re very brave for what you do. I’ve avoided much of this kind of sharing by keeping my blog posts to a specific genre (ie, food and recipes) but know that you are not alone AND that there are those of us who have made great improvements. You can too, and you will. (Note that I say improvements because I don’t believe that my negative feelings and obsessions will ever go away 100%, I think they’ll always be a part of who I am. But, over time they occur less and less and when I do get struck, I’m able to cope much more positively.) *hugs*

  • Like you, I’m hesitant to post too much negativity on my blog, especially when people around me are dealing with so many worse problems- I feel superficial for caring that I’m heavier than I’d like to be. But it doesn’t erase the fact that as soon as I stop thinking about those suffering around me, I lament about how I wish I was thinner. It’s stupid, but it’s my reality. SO having said that, I don’t see you as whiny- I totally get it.

    I have been waiting to do a follow up on my blog b/c I’m STILL not sure where I stand in the calorie counting free journey. I know I’d rather be thinner, but I haven’t gained a ton either. I might wait another month and see where I am.

    As for you, I agree that diet free living is really hard. I look forward to your next post about it. It makes me feel less alone. <3

  • Glad you re-linked this post. Sorry to hear that the negative thoughts have returned. A lot of this post is applicable to me, and not for dieting but other recent things that have upset me to the core. I’m in the “angry” phase right now, but I know I need to keep myself “healthy and sane” somehow…

  • i think we all deal with this tug of war act on a daily basis. some days it’s about food. sometimes it’s those “am i worthy” questions. most often it’s the “can i really do it” that gets me down. ( and often they all come back to food).

    there’s this thing we have in common, we refuse to victimize ourselves, we keep on kicking. and there’s no other way if we want to improve.

    “enough already” is a statement that starts revolutions. thank you for letting your readers in on yours… you inspire everyone to keep on moving, one doubt at a time. :)

  • Kim

    Many ((HUGS)) coming your way! I go through these phases too – I have my good days and bad days. I am excited about my upcoming half marathons and completing my training strong. That keeps me focused.

    You can do this! I love your blog, your honesty & recipes. Chin up! :)

    Kim

  • *hugs* I never quite know what to say on your posts like this, but know that I am here for you!

  • I have no real advice except to say I have been there, right where you are. I hope you get through this and I’ll be cheering you on from lovely SF 😉

    I’m excited about getting closer to my weekend!

  • You are totally not alone. I feel you completely. My pants have all gotten tighter and my workouts have taken a backseat to life and work, but things happen. I’m glad you’re coming out on the other side and see the direction your life and diet are going… xo

  • […] to share them with you. After reading It Was Always Meant to Happen That Way (which inspired the enough is enough post), I decided that instead of hoping that this whole diet free living thing would work, I was just […]

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