I’ve been holding back lately.
I’ve been feeling vulnerable and hurt and not good enough. Defeated over and over by my own actions. I’ve taken responsibility and then I fled. Over and over. I wanted to come out of it stronger, with a lesson and a happy ending (or at least happy progress) to share with you, before
saying writing a word. And then I fell down again. Harder. The cycle continued.
I often feel like sharing my struggles here comes off as whining. Or like I’m seeking attention. People are dealing with much bigger issues. Get over yourself, Elina! Despite numerous comments and emails to the contrary, I feel like eyes are being rolled at my soul baring posts… and I want to be liked so I can’t let that happen. And I hold back instead.
You’d think that’s easier but that doesn’t feel right either. Because I feel like a fake. If I don’t tell you about my struggles, then you may assume that this “diet free living” thing is easy. That I’m off singing the “the scale doesn’t define me song” all day long when on many days I still feel like it does. At least it defines my mood. And I hate myself for it. It’s irrational. It’s uncomfortable. And it still does after all this time and I’m doing nothing to stop it!
This last little bit, by the way, is the negative Elina. This last little bit doesn’t serve me. It puts me down. It makes me want to go back to my usual coping ways (read: eating until I cry) so after many weeks of giving in, I’m finally saying ENOUGH.
Enough with the negative talk.
Enough with feeling like a victim.
Enough with doing things against my better judgment.
Enough with self-inflicted pain.
Tonight, I am excited about what tomorrow will bring. I am excited about finally figuring this shit out and truly living a healthy and sane life.
<—this lobster is excited. Image source
What are you excited about today?
PS – There is definitely a lesson in my experience over the past month and I promise to share it with you soon (just want to come on the other side of it first! I think this was the boost I needed!)