I weighed myself about a month and a half ago and found out I was pretty much the same weight I’ve been for the past year. The same weight that despite all the calorie counting and Weight Watchers points, I kept going back to (after losing a pound or 2 one week, I’d gain pretty much the same number, or more, the following week). It was frustrating trying so hard and getting no where, which of course led me to the decision to stop dieting for good (thus the diet free living series where I share my challenges and successes of this journey).
Aside from the sheer frustration with dieting and the aforementioned lack of progress, my hope was also that by removing the pressure of losing weight, I would stop living in the extremes between dieting and binge eating and land somewhere in the middle, somewhere that would help me get to my natural weight which I believed was lower than the number on the scale that day (and what it is today for that matter).
The problem is that it’s not a linear progress. You don’t go from dieting pretty much your adult life without scars and habits to break. So I’m at the same weight I am today without dieting (much happier!) as I was while dieting (and often miserable), which should be considered a small success except that I still continue to emotionally eat when shit hits the fan. Which brings me to my main point…
I’m not at my natural weight and my clothes remind me of this every single day.
Christie thought that my clothes subconsciously reminded me that I “should be thinner.” That in order for me to accept where I am today, I need to let go of the past. Which means I needed to get rid of the clothes that no longer fit (or at least get them out of sight). I was resistant at first but noticed that every morning I would get very anxious until I finally found an outfit to wear (sometimes it was actually easier than what I built it up to be, but every morning I would be restless until I finally got it done).
So here we are. I’ve been putting this off for weeks. It’s a big project that I knew I needed to prioritize yet didn’t seem to find the time to do. Today was that day.
My closet (before):
It was stuffed! The rods actually fell down on occasion because of the weight of all these clothes. Needless to say Adam would start laughing hysterically every time I mentioned “I had nothing to wear.”
I started with the easiest, the tops.
Before and after:
Not too bad.
Now the bottoms (skirts and pants) – before and after:
Yeah, this one was rough. The skirts were okay but the pants… oh the pants. Pair after pair was either so tight that it looked absolutely ridiculous (and made me feel like crap) or didn’t budge at all. I was going through them and literally every single pair got nixed. It was like ripping the band aid over and over which f-ing hurt and I wanted it to stop now but I also knew it was very necessary and nothing that I couldn’t handle at the end of the day. I officially have only 2 pairs of pants that fit… I bought those last months.
Dresses – before and after:
Piles of clothes that no longer fit:
[I put them in a separate container under the bed, out of sight.
So now I have of course 3 choices. Now that I know how bad the situation really is.
1) I can limp along and continue “making do” with what I have. At least now I know what I’m truly working with here and I honestly think that the anxiety of finding an outfit is lessened. Everything in my closet is officially “safe.”
2) I can try to lose weight. Some of the clothes weren’t that far off fitting properly. I feel like maybe 5lbs would do the trick. This of course is very tricky. It’s tempting, I’m not going to lie, but this is where I’m afraid my old habits, and binge eating, may be rekindled (and remember when I do that, I’m still the same weight!!). Instead of restarting counting calories, I can also try to get a little “stricter” with intuitive eating which means really only eating when I’m hungry and really stopping when I’m full. Something I hope to get to eventually but I’m honestly not sure I’m totally ready for yet. It may still feel like a diet and knowing myself, self-sabotage would begin.
3) I can buy new clothes. I’ve been saving for this ring I really want for the past few months so I have a few bucks saved up. It makes me kind of sad to start from square one, saving again… but perhaps it’s the most urgent and important use of this money right now, rather than a ring which obviously isn’t a practical purchase.
Ughhhhhh. Decisions decisions.
Do I regret doing this?
I’m not going to lie – it’s hard to face the truth when it’s so clearly laid out. Ignorance in my case was not exactly bliss since on a daily basis I had to deal with the anxiety of finding an outfit in the sea of clothes that weren’t right. So at the end I think it was the healthy thing to do. So I’m still glad I did it.
Can you relate? What would you do??