It’s been a few weeks since a “diet free living” post and I’d like to share my experience with those of you who are interested in my progress.
It’s been interesting. Interesting how easy it has been to eat without guilt. Interesting how quick fix diet desires still resurface. And then die down. Interesting how stopping weighing myself (!!!) has really contributed to drama-free eating.
It’s actually surprised me how little time I’ve been spending worrying about what, when, how much to eat… or what it would do to my figure. The post where I talked about “failing at diet free living” (kind of an oxymoron, I realize now – thank you for getting me straight!) after a bit more self-examination made me realize that it was all triggered by the scale. I was feeling “successful” after a few weeks of diet free living, so I wanted the scale to reflect that (and it did) but then all this pressure to continue being “successful” came on and that’s when it once again became a quasi-diet and I started freaking out (subconsciously and consciously) which in turn resulted in overeating and the feeling of “failure.”
No scale = less fixation on weight
But here is the deal, while I’ve been eating daily treats without much afterthought, I’ve also been on and off struggling with an overwhelming desire to be thin, which I feel is unachievable the way I currently eat. I keep thinking: “I don’t want to be fat and happy, I want to be thin and happy.” I know that HAPPY should be enough, but why does it need to be mutually exclusive with wanting to be beautiful?
Here is what I figured… it doesn’t. But beauty is subjective. I know that my husband finds me beautiful. I’m sure many other people may find me beautiful and many others will not. And that will always be the case, regardless of my weight. What I need to work on is breaking the link between beauty, thinness and self worth. I can be beautiful at any weight because I’m me. Man, that’s one freeing thought!
I’m going to let this one marinade for a bit… and invite you to do the same if you are in a similar space.
PS – Adam forwarded to me this cool website with pictures of people at different height and weight. It was nice to step outside of myself and see real women around my size – they looked great – not supermodel thin but real and beautiful! Another reminder that there is still some internal work to be done before I can have a chance at “happy.”