*This is as raw as you’re going to get me. No editing. Just writing. Read at your own caution.* Here we go….
I’m done. I’m really done.
Do you ever hear/read stories about girls that used to hate their bodies, attempted diet after diet only to fail (or temporarily “win” losing weight… but then gaining it back, and then some) and one day just gave up? They finally gave themselves permission to eat whatever they wanted, and then (and I’m skipping a few steps here, I’m certain the most grueling and hardest) they came to accept their bodies, stopped the self-loathing fat talk and lived happily ever after even lost weight WITHOUT dieting?
Sounds like a fairy tale?
I think I’ve hit the bottom and I’m willing to give this fairy tale a go. I know these people exist and I want to be one of them. For the longest time I couldn’t give up the idea of dieting because I NEEDED to lose weight and with just a little more dedication I knew it just had to work. But you know what, it hasn’t worked for me in the past 6 months. Nope. Instead the bingeing episodes (or if I’m “lucky” just plain old overeating, with a side of guilt) became more frequent after a few days of “being good.” I’ve gained weight every other week (at least). I gained weight last week and *swore* that today I would stick to my points plus allowance to have a better chance at my weigh-in tomorrow. And then I cried because I was hungry and because I wanted almonds and then chocolates. I’m so sick of literally being on the verge of tears from just thinking about the possibility of the scale going up another week. And I’m so damn sick of putting so much emphasis on my self worth depending on how much or what I ate.
This is not an open invitation to become obese. And I’m sure I won’t. I truly believe that serious frequent overeating is caused by negative emotions and I’m willing to put in the work to deal with the cause to change the effect.
Food is very important to me and I’ve come to rely on it in good times and bad. Tomorrow I’m going out with some friends to a hot new restaurant and I’m excited. I want to eat, drink and be a little restaurant critic in my own mind. And I will. But I’ve also been eating to reward myself for “staying strong” for a few days away in Maine (I still don’t understand why I have the need for a reward when I never felt deprived… although I did stop at just one chocolate or one glass of wine when I wanted more); I’ve been eating when alone or bored or scared about my future. And I need to work on these things but guilt needs to leave the room because that’s not healing. That’s more pain.
I am still me. I love food. I will cook; I will eat out; I will share it all with you. I will also work on my relationship with food without dieting (I’m canceling my Weight Watchers membership immediately). That probably means I can stop dreaming about looking hot in a bikini come May. And that saddens me too (I will not pretend that it doesn’t). But maybe that won’t even matter by then. A bikini is so far from happily ever after. I want to be at a point where I actually believe it.
Only time will tell.
PS- the winner of the UNO’s giveaway is #53. Congrats, Natalie! Please shoot me an email (firstname.lastname@example.org) with your address.
Thank you all for “listening.”