Today is Tuesday and that means it’s weigh-in day. I skipped last week’s weigh-in because we got back from vacation the night before and I knew the scale would not be kind to me after all that eating and drinking. Sometimes the scale can be destructive and I’ve come a long way to do that to myself (I have many issues, but the scale no longer rules my life. Not yet at least.. it’s definitely starting to mess with my head just a little!). So today was the day and let’s just say the week did not go well and I was scared. I was *this* close to avoiding another weigh-in and another Weight Watchers meeting but decided to face the truth. I’m trying hard to stop getting in the way of myself. This is important. The weigh-ins are important. These recaps are important – they give me time to reflect on the week and try to make some sense out of it and maybe even learn something.
Here is what I know from this week:
- I was dead tired for days after coming back from California. I was also recovering from the flu. I prioritized rest.
- I let negative thoughts take over my head. I hated how I looked and how I felt all day so I just let those feelings in instead of fighting them and doing something about the situation! (hello, the weight won’t come off on it’s own!!)
- I ate and ate. I didn’t feel great so I ate. I told myself I’ll do better next week. *Sigh*.
- I didn’t work out until Sunday (that’s nearly 2 weeks of not working out since I didn’t do anything on vacation either given the flu). I somehow created this fear of going to the gym. My couch was so much more accepting. I dreamt about a personal trainer that would force me to work out and whip me into shape. Then I could finally face the rest of the people in a normal gym and feel like my old self (Who am I? What the hell came over me? Definitely doesn’t sound like me.) [Side note: I canceled my Fitcorp membership (my last day was September 30) because Colleen moved out of the city and transferred her Healthworks membership to me (she won it earlier in the year and won’t be able to use it anymore.) Thanks again, Colleen!]
- On Saturday I also decided to stop this craziness. I don’t need a personal trainer to “force” me to work out. I LIKE working out. But clearly I needed some extra motivation for some reason. So I came up with a challenge. In October (over 31 days), I will take 21 new classes at Healthworks. This will give me the opportunity to get to know my new gym and challenge me to new things. I’m calling this challenge “21 in 31.” Catchy, no? 😉
- On Sunday I made exercise a priority. I took 2 classes in a row (Body Pump and Body Jam) and had so much fun!!! I burnt 800 calories and realized that I don’t have to run to feel like I completed a real workout. Running does burn more calories than any other form of exercise (for me) but I no longer enjoy it. Sunday was a blast and snapped me out of my exercise rut (although I still feel out of shape but the only way to get in shape is TO exercise – the couch won’t help there). On Monday I took a “ride” class, this morning I took a “fitness fusion” class. So far so good (4 workouts down already, this challenge is going to eaaasy if I keep going at this pace 😀 )
Here is what I don’t know:
- My real weight. My scale this morning wouldn’t turn on (hope it’s just the batteries). I was scared to see the number but needed to see it. The scale clearly disagreed. This made for a very uncomfortable ww meeting because I supposedly gained 4.2 lbs but of course that was after I exercised, ate and weighed in with my clothes and wet shoes on. I know it’s not my real weight but it certainly didn’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside either.
I went though several stages today (a true roller coaster ride) – happy to have woken up to work out (taking care of my body, yay), unable to do many moves in the class (frustrated), sad about the giant “weight gain” on the ww chart, inspired to make next week better, defeated when I saw (and ate) some cookies in the work kitchen, calm and collected after chatting with Adam and realizing I was being ridiculous. The last 2 weeks were tough. That doesn’t mean I’m going to keep gaining weight forever (a few glasses of wine helped calm me down too!).
So that’s where I am today. I’ve been feeling exhausted, defeated and definitely unlike myself. I realized that the ww meetings are actually useless to me (we don’t talk about our week with the group, there is just a “topic of the week” which is not really relevant when I’m struggling with so many conflicting emotions in my head). Writing this weekly post does help. I’m sorry it’s not more uplifting but it’s the real deal. This week I’m down. Next week I hope to be better. I keep going back and forth about taking drastic measures just to get this weight off and move on (not crazy drastic, but going back to calorie counting or something along those lines – which I no longer enjoy) but I know it won’t be that easy and I’m going to fight a little longer to do it on my terms until I throw in the towel.
What keeps you going on days/weeks when you’re down?
PS – Adam and I just decided yesterday to go away to Maine for the weekend. I think some peace will be very good for my soul.
PPS – If you haven’t already, please support me in Project Food Blog and vote for me to advance to challenge #4. Vote HERE, please. Thank you!! 😀