Before I dive in, I just wanted to say that I’m happy you are excited about the sweet giveaway I have going. If you haven’t entered it yet, you may do so here. Now onto the real topic at hand…
I know you’ve seen this going all around the blogworld… and by “this” I mean Rachel‘s “I’m sorry but I’m not sorry” attitude.
I’ve seen this popping up here and there and it seemed very empowering. And while I’m sure this was therapeutic to many, I didn’t feel like there was a topic I was really “afraid” to talk about here. I truly feel like I have the most understanding readers and I’m very thankful for that.
And then it dawned on me. There IS something I’ve been struggling with. Something I’ve eluded to yet didn’t really want to make a giant issue of. You already know what I’m going to say… my weight. Yes, that. Talking bluntly about weight or the desire to lose some appears to be a very touchy subject in the blogosphere (at least for people that are not obviously overweight – for the record, I technically am). I understand that some food blog readers struggle with eating disorders. I’m really sorry about that. I really hope this blog is not triggering you if you’re one of them. But you see, I can’t continue like this. I need to lose weight. I think documenting it here will help me and keep me more accountable. So I’m going to talk about it. I’m sorry but I’m not sorry.
I haven’t been blogging every day (obviously) so you haven’t seen the extent of how bad things got recently. Somehow over the past few months, I’ve gotten addicted to eating at night. I can’t stop. I’ve gotten addicted to tasting, chewing, I don’t know what else. I feel completely powerless too. It’s like I trained myself like a dog to sit my butt on the couch right after dinner and start munching. No bueno.
I’ve tried everything (or so it seems). I’ve tried writing in my journal, distracting myself with tv, “harassing” Adam to hang out with me but even while doing all those things, I keep going back to the kitchen to grab another bite of something rather. It’s not good. So I’m trying one more thing.
I joined Weight Watchers today. I don’t want to start counting points or go on “another diet.” I just want to be faced with the scale on a weekly basis; I want my weight to be “officially” tracked, and I want to have a group of people I can talk to about the past week (if needed) without feeling like I’m whining. So today was the day.
I weighed myself at home upon waking up. Starting weight: 156.6 lbs. You have no idea how much it hurts me to see this weight. It’s been almost 5 years since I’ve seen this number and I can tell you I’m a completely different person (health-habit-wise) at this point. And yet, here is this number again. I was 140lbs at my wedding 2 years ago and maintained my weight at around 145lbs for a year and a half. It slowly creeped up to the high 140’s and now we’re creeping up into the high 150’s. I weighed in at 159.8lbs at noon at the meeting (after breakfast, with my clothes on).
So here we go. It’s time to face reality and lose that excess. Nearly 160 lbs is the wrong weight FOR ME. I am not implying anything about you, whatever you may weigh. Please be reminded of that. Everyone is different. Please let me be selfish and share my weight loss struggles here with you. And please help me if you can.
Today was a tough day. I thought the “newness” of it all would just magically fix me but tonight was rough. Very rough. I gave in once again. But I’m determined to keep at it. Next week that number on the scale will be lower. I will do my best. The right way.