My head is getting to me

Today was a tough one. There was a lot of self pep talk. Sometimes it worked; sometimes my head got to me. I need to get over the hump asap – it’s killing me! I woke up this morning and had a comforting breakfast – apple crisp yogurt!

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It looked ugly, but man was it good. Warm apple crisp over cool nonfat yogurt, fresh apple slices and pecans. Definitely comfort food at its best! :) This breakfast kept me full for over 4 hours. In fact when lunch time came, I didn’t even want a full blown lunch so I had a snack – TJ’s organic double fiber blueberry muffin. So hearty and delicious. Love these!

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So far, so good. Not sure if it was the anxiety at work that kept my mind wondering, or the fact that my co-worker stopped by to see how my race went (she ran it too!) and my dad called to tell me it’s ok (he read my blog post – I kind of avoided most phone calls this weekend). Oh yeah, I also had a recovery clinical massage for my sore legs and had to tell the girl about how the race ended.  Somehow I couldn’t get the race off my mind and I just wanted to have that moment back so I could do things differently this time. I don’t remember exactly what happened. I’m still in awe that I walked off the course and just quit. It doesn’t make sense to me. I know my body needed the rest, but couldn’t I have walked for 0.6 miles?! I wanted the satisfaction of crossing that finish line SO BAD and now my first half marathon will forever be my worst nightmare. I can never have another first half marathon. :( I know this is irrational. My husband keeps reminding me that I blacked out (!!!!) and that I can’t keep blaming myself. I know I pushed too hard and that’s another reason I keep wanting to relive that moment – so I can pull back and finish. My sister and I emailed back and forth a bit and she tried to screw my head on straight about this whole thing. I know everyone else is right. It just really was traumatizing and I think the only way to change it IS to run another half, but race season is basically over (and it’s freaking cold outside!!!) so I’ll have to wait a whole year to do it again. Can I do it next weekend, lol? I’m all about instant gratification (you know, instant as in 2+ hours of constantly challenging my body beyond its limits) 😉

Back to food – the next self-pep talk involved snacking. This gorgeous German chocolate cupcake won this time 😀

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Wowza. Amazing rich dark chocolate, pecans + coconut. I was in heaven! The problem with delicious treats like that is that I want more right after. Instead I decided to wait a little, and about an hour later enjoyed a healthier sweet treat: 1/2 FFL english muffin, Barney Butter + 1/2 banana – my favorite go-to dessert “alternative.”

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Wait, did I forget to tell you all about lunch? Mixed greens, green and yellow beans, borlotti beans, hard-boiled egg and a scallop from last night’s dinner.

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Dinner was also delicious and nutritious (hehe, this sounds like it should be in some kind of infomercial 😆 ). I had some nappa cabbage left from chop suey last week, so I searched around for another good recipe to put the rest to use. This recipe from Cooking Light for tangy stir-fried vegetables caught my eye, and I was even able to buy all veggies at the local farmers market. Sweet :)

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You know the drill – I omitted the onions and otherwise followed the recipe (except that I used over 3 times the tofu, doubled the sauce and added a whole bunch of veggies without really measuring). The marinaded tofu was out of this world flavorful! Great spicy kick too! Adam and I were eating the tofu raw while the veggies were cooking. So delicious – the vegetables were so fresh and the recipe made them shine. My husband was excited about tofu. What have I done to him?! 😉

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And I wish this was it. I was full and satisfied. Did I stop eating? Nope. Somehow the chocolate covered almonds and roasted salted pistachios were consumed – in large quantities, while watching the Biggest Loser. I tried to talk myself out of the madness but gave in. Seriously, what happened? Literally a month ago I was on top of the world, eating intuitively, losing weight and feeling spectacular, and now I’m back to old stupid habits that I can’t seem to reverse. This needs to end asap, so I can once again be healthy and sane!

All right, this post became whinier than I planned on it. My apologies. Let’s see if I snap out of it soon and become the inspiration that many of you tell me I am. <3

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20 comments to My head is getting to me

  • Your worst critic will always be yourself. In this case, it was impossible for you to have finished the race unless someone carried you across the finish line, and then it still wouldn’t have been YOU crossing the finish line!

    Race season is just kicking off here in the southwest, so if you want to come run a half in Arizona, just let me know!

  • You’re totally allowed a whine!

    Sad that there’s not another half sooner :(

  • amy from los angeles

    hi, i just read your half marathon post and i’m so sorry you are heart broken. you ran such a far distance (12.5 miles!!) at such a fast pace, you should be so proud of that accomplishment. i’m impressed! feel better….
    amy from los angeles

  • We can do the Run to Remember in May – its only 6 months away! These things fade with time, try not to beat yourself up too much, you still ran 12.5 miles super fast, which rocks!

  • Just keep giving yourself those pep talks. I will get easier. Be good to yourself….those were 12.5 VERY fast miles and your body needs to recover.

  • Awww, I’m sorry. :( I hate headaches.
    Your yogurt looks yummy!

  • Elina – this is just a bump in the long road to health! Do not let it get under your skin!

    You can’t beat yourself up so much about your race. Make it your motivation! You are going to kill it next time, look back at this post, and marvel at how far you came!!!

  • Hang in there. I’ve started to realize that life is cyclical and that there are going to be times when I feel in the dumps but my character is defined by my ability to get back on the horse and keep going.

  • sister inna

    hey! i think all the eating might have something to do with the change in weather ( i hope). i’ve been snacking a lot lately. a lot lot. i’m telling myself it’s because my body’s trying to adjust to the cold. maybe i was a bear in a past lifetime 😉

  • Race season isn’t quite over in New England! There’s the Newton Half Marathon in November, and the Maine Coast half marathon in November, too! :)

  • You can’t beat yourself up over it. What’s done is done and you can’t change the out come, you can only move forward. Onward and upward!

  • I hope that cupcake made you feel better! I think it would definitely help me. I think you should sign up fo another half marathon so you can void this one in your mind. You did great up until you black out so you’re husband’s right about not blaming yourself!

  • Important question: where did you get that cupcake!!? Looks heavenly :)

  • Elina

    Madeline – you are so right. I AM my worst critic. Thanks for the invite 😉 I’m definitely doing some research on other half marathons now :)

    Kirsten – I’m scared of training in the winter. I know, I’m such a wimp 😆 I’ll definitely think about it. The cupcake was from the Copley farmers market – from the Danish Baking Co I believe. It was AWESOME!!

    Angie – thanks! I plan on taking it easy on my next one, but on the third one – I’m SO killing it 😉

    Innz – maybe I was a bear in past life too. We are sisters after all 😀

    Beth – I’m looking into these!! Thanks for these suggestions. I’ll write you a separate email too :)

    Nicole – the cupcake did make me feel a little better 😀

  • Stephanie

    You did run a half. .6 of a mile does not make a difference. We have all had those runs when we have felt really let down.

    By the way, I am running the Baystate Half Marathon this Sunday in Lowell. Im pretty sure it is sold out but you never know. Especially since the half is less popular. Just a thought =)

  • […] My head is getting to me […]

  • Nobody is perfect – don’t beat yourself up! I hope your next half marathon is better than this previous one… you can do it!!

  • PS – if you need a running buddy in the winter…. let me know! I think you might be a tad bit faster than me, though. I usually do around a 9-9:30 pace on my training runs (although I’m working on getting faster =D)

  • […] stir fried vegetables with tofu that I made here and froze the leftovers for a night like last night. Before: frozen […]

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